Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Today's my birthday! Da-na-na-na-na!

Ah yes.  And now that I am another year older (definitely) and wiser (possibly?), I'd like to share some of my hard-gained revelations about life.  You see, young people out there, right now you are happy-go-lucky and feel like you're immmortal. 

But things change.  Be not afraid, young people.  I, Elder Sister Grumpy Pants, am here to guide you through the confusing and frightening world of oldness.  Here are the key moments that you can look forward to experiencing:

1.  Remember the last time you went out partying with your friends until the wee hours of the morning, and still managed to get home, shower, take a power nap, and wake up fresh as a daisy?  Well guess what?  Someday, you will go out with your buddies til dawn, go home and crash for a few hours, and then wake up - in agony.  Oh yes, friends, late nights will start to hurt.  And that's the moment when you start making decisions like "would I rather go out for Mardi Gras, or stay at home and not feel like I got run over by a dump truck in the morning?"  And the decision gets easier every time you make it.

2.  You begin to pay attention to your bathroom schedule.  You also begin to think about your fiber intake.  Enough said.

3.  High heels become excruciating.  They make every inch of your body hurt.  Even your thumbs.  So you catch yourself slowly acquiring lower and lower heels, until one day you look in the mirror and Surprise!!  You're wearing sensible brown librarian orthopedic shoes.

4.  Spicy & junky food starts to hurt.  See #2.

5.  You hear the music that people younger than you listen to, and you realize it stinks.  You don't know the names of the bands, but it doesn't really matter because it all sounds the same.  And you begin to wax poetically about the high quality of the music of your own youth, wondering why Those Young Kids don't appreciate the intricate depth of musicality that is Whitesnake.

Concerned yet?  Don't fear the reaper, children.  Nor the Metamucil.  Can someone please pass me the Ensure?

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